Silence. Family. Survival.

I turned 21 on Monday. To celebrate my birthday I went to the doctor’s office. This week I have been to the ER and have visited 4 doctors. None of them can figure out what is wrong. They all say that I need to ride out the pain and call them if it gets any worse. I am the kind of person that likes black and white. For every effect there is a cause. If there is pain, than there must be a reason for it. This week has pushed me and stretched me in that sometimes there is no answer. Sometimes the answer is wait. Wait on the Lord.

But what if I don’t want to wait? I know that is not the “Christian” response. But it is my David response. Why is the Lord silent on so many issues at the same time? Why?

All I know is that I have 18 more days till I get to be back in the one place that I feel most at home. Although these questions do not go away when I change geographical locations and although the silence still lingers, I will be home.

Home. I have come to realize that home is not a building. It is not a bedroom that smells like your mom. It is not a kitchen where you can always count on your mom whistling the same tune and cooking something yummy. Home is not a place. Home is your family. And family can change. That I have come to realize these past few months, sometimes there are unexpected additions to your family. However, family I know full well is not limited to blood relatives. My Church is my family. My college friends are my family. My God is my family.

When the silence lingers and the questions remain one thing I can count on, is my family to carry me through.

Back from the reentry program

hey! so like I just got back from the most amazing 13 days ever with around 30 or so other missionary kids. It was such a beneficial time, it was a time that God used to really give me hope that everything is ok and that it is possible to adjust to life in the USA. I really connected quite fast with everyone and they all taught me soo much stuff... it was amazing to hear their mk stories and even though they are like polar opposite then my experiences we can still relate so easily ... I really came to love everyone at the seminar .. thanks guys for making my time at the reentry seminar the most memorable and beneficial time thus far in my life here in the USA.. i really do truly love all of you!! (a lot more than just having compassion for you! jeje)

so I am dead tired.. we pulled an all nighter last night and didn't sleep a wink, and I have to work tomorrow very early in the morning.. My life living in the Mk bubble has ended and I am back in the real world!! :S jejeje..

So I am back in the world where the question .. "Where are you from?" "Where is home?" takes on a whole different meaning.. but you know what?? I am ready for what is to come .. the seminar helped me get ready.. I am still scared don't get me wrong.. but I think now I am ready!

work work work ..

So I arrived to Minnesota after a huge ordeal in Colorado that including lightning strikes and tornados. So after arriving at 3 am at my "new house" I had to be up and ready to work by 10 am ... fun huh??

Identity

During this transition time I have really learned to hold on extremely tight to the identity I have found as the daughter of the King, God. Because if I let go for even a second I will go sliding down a very slippery and destructive path that leads me to not being able to have an identity at all. The identity I had in my family has now changed and I have yet to find my new role in the family, therefore I have yet to find my identity in my family. The identity I had as the girlfriend of the godliest guy I have ever met, David, no longer exists because of the sad fact that I am only able to connect with him once a day at night through skype. Having a dating relationship by skype is not the ideal and I no longer have my boyfriend at my side so I no longer really have my identity as the girlfriend of David. My identity that I so enjoyed in the ministry right now does not exist. With all that I am I want to jump in head first into the ministry. I am just so on fire to what God is doing and what He wants to do I don’t want to wait. I feel like I am missing out on something. But God has helped me come to the realization that the need among the youth will always exist. Right now is my time to capacitate myself with all the tools and all the knowledge I can absorb so I can give my all to the youth who are going to need me. So after all these very sad realizations I have realized the biggest truth. That although everything else seems like it is slipping from my fingers one thing will never change. And that is who I am in Christ. Christ is NEVER going to leave me. And anytime I feel lonely all I have to do is go into the presence of God and feel his love and power that He has everything under control and that amidst all this craziness and hard times He has a plan that is for my best well being. Thank you, daddy for always being there and for being my one and only constant!

Where is home?

Where is my home? That is a very good question as to which I have no answer. They say home is where the heart is, but what if my heart is in two very different places? (In CR with my boyfriend and Mexico with my family and the ministry we have at our church) Can I have two homes? But at the same time even though I consider “home” to be Mexico since that is where my family is, its changed. My family has continued to coexist with each other living together and sharing memories together. Memories in which I am not a part of. Memories that they can only tell me about. My role in my family is not the same. I am used to being the oldest sibling, the big sister. So obviously I go home expecting to have that same role in my family. But of course as my life goes I don’t, my sister has now put herself in the role of big sister, which is technically true when I am not there. But what happens when I am home? It are things like this that really hurt because all these different facts all point to me being homeless. Maybe I should change the name to this blog to “The Homeless Mk Nomad”.

Why does the word BYE have good in front of it when they are anything but good?

Ok so in the course of one week I am going to have been in three countries. Talk about jet lag, huh? I have had to say goodbye to the students who I studied at the Bible School with for a year, who became my family for a year. That was the beginning of a lot of really hard goodbyes I will have to make this week. I also had to say a tearful but full of God given peace goodbye to my boyfriend, David. I arrived home, to Mexico, on Monday pretty late. When I woke up Tuesday morning I had no earthly idea where I was. Segun yo (according to me) I was still in Costa Rica and needless to say it was a big reaity shock when the reality of my new situation hit. So then I went through the feelings of missing my Port family (people from Bible School) and missing my boyfriend and wondering how we are ever going to survive 3 years apart only seeing each other every six months. Then I had to come to grips with being back with my family and friends from Mexico only to say goodbye to them in a week. I tried to not let my heart really feel, but ofcourse that is impossible. I havespent probably every night this week just crying, mourning the end of one huge chapter of my life and dreading the next chapter of my life which consists of living in the USA for a least 3 years. It is times like these when God reminds me once again that He is faithful and although I have to say goodbye to everyone I care and love, I don’t have to say goodbye to Him and I will never have to. Needless to say this is when my love for Spanish is really important because the word for goodbye is adios and there is no “good” in it whatsoever.

Why does the word BYE have good in front of it when they are anything but good?

Ok so in the course of one week I am going to have been in three countries. Talk about jet lag, huh? I have had to say goodbye to the students who I studied at the Bible School with for a year, who became my family for a year. That was the beginning of a lot of really hard goodbyes I will have to make this week. I also had to say a tearful but full of God given peace goodbye to my boyfriend, David. I arrived home, to Mexico, on Monday pretty late. When I woke up Tuesday morning I had no earthly idea where I was. Segun yo (according to me) I was still in Costa Rica and needless to say it was a big reaity shock when the reality of my new situation hit. So then I went through the feelings of missing my Port family (people from Bible School) and missing my boyfriend and wondering how we are ever going to survive 3 years apart only seeing each other every six months. Then I had to come to grips with being back with my family and friends from Mexico only to say goodbye to them in a week. I tried to not let my heart really feel, but ofcourse that is impossible. I havespent probably every night this week just crying, mourning the end of one huge chapter of my life and dreading the next chapter of my life which consists of living in the USA for a least 3 years. It is times like these when God reminds me once again that He is faithful and although I have to say goodbye to everyone I care and love, I don’t have to say goodbye to Him and I will never have to. Needless to say this is when my love for Spanish is really important because the word for goodbye is adios and there is no “good” in it whatsoever.

New Chapter: The definition of an Mk Nomad

Ok, so if anyone has wondered why I chose the name of my blog to be MK Nomad, well after this message I am sure you will have no doubt as to my reasoning. Today is Tuesday and I am actually writing this in the airplane on my way from Guadalajara, Mexico to Minnesota with a 3 day stop in Colorado. Didn’t I just arrive to Mexico from Costa Rica a week ago? Yes. My crazy life as an mk nomad is going into full swing. After being in Costa Rica for a little over 4 months I was finally able to go home and see my family who I hadn’t seen the entire time I was studying in CR, except for my dad. I was also able to go to my home church and see my church family after so long, but unfortunately the happy feelings of my saying hellos and everything was cut short with the hard not good feelings of having to say goodbye again for a whole other year. So I left today from Mexico. I go to Colorado for a very quick little visit to kind of regroup after my very emotional week in Mexico. Then I am off to Minnesota for a couple weeks of hard core working, because College is NOT cheap! Then I am off once again to California for a quick visit with my aunt and uncle who I haven’t seen in about 5 years and then to a two week conference for Mks who are moving back to the states for college. Then after my time in California finishes I go once again to Minnesota for a few more weeks of working. Then I am off to Chicago to meet up with my mom. (another huge blessing from God! My mom is going to be able to fly up to the states and help me move into college!) Then after a week of hard core shopping for last minute things for college comes the road trip to go to college in Virginia… AAHHH CRAZY STUFF!! Now do you know my reasoning for calling this blog Mk nomad?

Goodbye sun, hello rain

Hey! Panama was amazing! We had such a blast just chilling at the beach. We were 13 who went, so we had a blast getting to know eachother in a more relax and chill environment. We went to Bosas del Toro, which is an island in Panama. We visited many other beautiful islands, went snorkling, saw amazing exotic birds, and went swimming in the clearest water I have ever seen in my life. I have some amazing pictures I want to post, but they are on my friends computer and I have yet to put them on mine :s ... but no worries I will post them soon!

Transparancy

"Be transparant!" "Be yourself, don't be afraid to be who you are infront of people." Those are just a few of the thousands of one liners my mom would put out there every chance she had. I would always just nod and smile and think, "I am being myself, how can I be anyone else?" But you know what? I was wrong. I was so wrong! I had a very eye-opening experience this past week or so and it was much needed. I had a very frank, heart to heart with my parents and for some reason everytime we have one of these very serious, heart revealing talks, my parents and I, what they say never leave me and impact me so much that I am finally able to realize how much of a sinner I am and how inadequate I am. I cannot fix myself by myself. Only God can change me, fix me, mold me.

The main thing that I learned (and the only thing that I don't have too much of a problem with telling everyone about by internet) is that it is pivital for me to be transparent. How? By being so sure of who I am in Christ and my identity that I have in Him, that I don't mind what other people think of me but that all I care about is what God thinks of me. So many people feel that they need to be someone else for people to like them, because if they should dare to show people who they trully are then they will be rejected. Some, like myself, were/are willing to deal with the fact of being "fake-or someone they are not" then with being rejected. I would constantly adapt to my environment (like a cameleon). I would scout out the people I would be hanging around and get a grasp of who they are and what kind of people they would normally hang out with, then I would become that person. I would become the person that they would like and have fun with and hang out with. I was so scared of being unliked, rejected, and hated that I wasn't true to myself.

It took a stern talking to from my dad, seeing the depth of his dissapointment in his eyes, and hearing the sound of his heart breaking that made me realize one very important thing. If a person does not like me for who I am, then they are not worth it! After so long of being a modern day, human cameleon I didn't know exactly who I was or the real value I do have. This has been a constant struggle in my life, starting around the summer of my 10th grade year but really all my life, the struggle of realizing the value I have in Christ and not settling for anything less than what I am trully worth. My dad has me reading the book "Stomping out the darkness" by Neil T. Anderson and Dave Park. In the book I read a quote by Josh McDowell and have dubbed it the quote of the day.

quote of the day: by Josh McDowell, "If you ever put a price tag on yourself, it would have to read 'Jesus'. His death on the cross was the payment for our sins. You are 'worth Jesus' to God because that is what He paid for you."

Less than a week

ok, so this is around the time when reality rears its ugly head and hits you square in the face. I am leaving in less than a week! I have less than a week to pack up my room and divide my things up. I have less than a week to prepare all my goodbye gifts and cards. I have less than a week to say goodbye to the people who mean the world to me. I have less than a week to have a much needed heart to heart with my brother and be the big sister I should have been a long time ago. I have less than a week to cuddle up with my mom and savor the moments that I can share my heart with the only person who trully understands. I have less than a week to talk to my dad and get his advice and all of my doubts, concerns, and problems. I have less than a week to chill with my sister and show her that no matter what she is my number one sister and that I love her with all my heart. I have less than a week to accomplish everything I should have been accomplishing throughout my two months of vacation. Why did I not take advantage of my time being back home with my family?

Dia de los Reyes (an excuse to give more gifts)

January 6 is not just an ordinary day here in Mexico. You see, thanks to the Latino blood we find ways to celebrate and have a party. And today is the holiday Day of the Kings. Why do we celebrate this? We are celebrating the time that the wisemen arrived to worship Jesus and gave him gifts. How do we celebrate this? Well, everyone else BUT us give gifts to the kids of the family *((ahem parents!!))* jaja and then everyone (yes even us :P) eat a special sweet bread that has around 5 little plastic baby Jesus' and the idea behind these plastic figurines is that if you get the plastic baby Jesus in your slice of bread you have to buy tamales for Febuary 2nd (another reason to party!). My brother, Adrian, has bad luck and this is his third year that he has received the plastic figurine. All I can say is that he has yet to buy me those tamales... and I am hungry!!! Anyway... I thought I would let you all know a little bit of Latin culture!

Tired of Feeling... it hurts too much

Have you ever stopped and just thought about everything you have tried so hard to not think about? well, for some strange and non-understandable reason I decided to do just that. I sat down on my bed, took out the calender, and wrote a list of everyone I will have to say goodbye to. And you know what, it sucked! The countdown has now officially begun to when i am off once again to a different country (Costa Rica) and say goodbye to everyone who keeps me together when i just want to fall apart. My family and friends. The people who have seen me in my worst and yet still love me with that one in a million kind of love. Then when I add everything i have to do for college before i leave, then all my financial issues i have to figure out and see if I have enough to buy everything i need to buy, and all my personal life issues with my emotional strain. Lets just say my poor family has seen me "tear up" a few times. I was skyping my really good friend, Gretchen, and in my awesomeness i made up a quote that I am dubbing the quote of the day. (aswell as my facebook status :P)

quote of the day: yea ... thats life .. life is full of wonderful hellos and heart wrenching goodbyes .. but you learn from the experience and then you just have to fall into the arms of God so he can put the pieces of our heart back together

Packing

Today was the day I have so long tried to avoid. Packing day. Now this is not just packing up a suitcase to go to college. No. This is packing up my whole life and putting it all into plastic containers. With every object in my room I had to choose one of four choices: keep it for keepsakes, take a picture of it and give it away, leave it at the house, or take it with me to college. It gets a little draining after a while having to decide in which box to put the things that you are so used to seeing everyday I wake up in my room. Not having what you have always taken for granted for so long is hard. But, it has taught me a valuable lesson. My life is not wrapped up in things, yes they are memories, but they are not my life. My life is wherever my family and friends are. I am not going to have a home for a while, but a home is not wrapped up in physical objects. Home is wherever I make it. Now I do know that it is easier said than done. I do not profess to have everything under control, but I am working on it!